


Disaster Guys and Pizza: A Manual for Best Friending

by Mireille



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies)
Genre: Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-16
Updated: 2019-07-16
Packaged: 2020-06-29 13:10:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,938
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19830904
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mireille/pseuds/Mireille
Summary: "Unless you murdered an innocent, non-villainous, person in cold blood, whatever it is, we're going to be fine."





	Disaster Guys and Pizza: A Manual for Best Friending

**Author's Note:**

> A tiny bit different than my usual--I even considered posting it NOT on my sock for fic about underage superheroes and the billionaires who love them--but my spouse asked for this, and I find it so very hard to say no.

****

"Okay, okay," Ned said, pulling out Peter's desk chair and sitting down on it backwards. "What's the big secret you have to tell me?" He couldn't imagine a bigger secret than Peter being Spider-Man, and he already knew that one.

But from the way Peter paced back and forth in the narrow space between the bed and the desk, it seemed like there was something, anyway. "I don't know if I _can_ tell you," Peter said, very obviously avoiding looking Ned in the eye. "What if-- I mean, this could totally ruin our friendship." 

"Nope," Ned said flatly. "It couldn't. I'm your best friend. Unless you murdered an innocent, non-villainous, person in cold blood--I mean premeditated killing, Peter, not even self defense--whatever it is, we're going to be fine."

Peter threw himself down on the bed, putting a pillow over his face. It muffled his voice a little, but Ned could still hear him. "Promise?"

"I'll cross my heart like we're back in second grade, if it'll help."

"It kind of would," Peter mumbled.

"Fine, then. Sit up so you can see me." 

Peter didn't sit up, but he did take the pillow off his face and turn his head to look at Ned. 

Good enough. Ned crossed his heart with a dramatic flourish. "I solemnly swear," he intoned, "that unless you've gone full supervillain, whatever you have to tell me isn't going to hurt our friendship."

"Okay." Peter took a deep breath. "I'm...kind of gay?"

Ned didn't laugh, but it was a struggle. "That's not exactly a secret."

Peter's eyes were wide. "What do you mean? I never told anybody."

"Best friend," Ned reminded him. "I'm around you all the time. I wasn't a hundred percent sure you were _gay_ ," he admitted, "but I was definitely sure you weren't straight."

"How?"

"You checking out guys was my first clue," Ned said. "And...lots of little things, but that was the big one."

"And you're okay with it?"

Ned frowned. "What kind of asshole would I be if I wasn't? I get why telling me stressed you out, but seriously, dude, you're my best friend. You're the smartest person I know, you're always there for me when I need you, you're my brother from another mother, you're totally my favorite superhero... the fact that you like guys isn't even in there. It has nothing to do with our friendship."

Peter had sat up now, so Ned went over and sat next to him, punching him gently on the arm. "So you can stop freaking out. We're cool. I promise."

Peter still didn't relax, though. 

"So, I get the feeling there's more to it than that," Ned said after a short but awkward silence.

"No, that's it, it's fine, we're great, thanks." 

"So you're just acting like you're still freaked out for fun?"

"Maybe," Peter said. He was back to not meeting Ned's eyes. 

"And maybe not?" When Peter shrugged, he said, "Will it help if I guess?"

"Maybe?" Peter said again.

"Okay. Is there a reason for the timing of this dramatic revelation? Like, is there now some guy you're being gay _with_?"

"No!" He shook his head. "God, no. There's no guy. Not like that."

Ned was about to guess again when Peter went on. "He wouldn't even look at me. I mean, assuming that it didn't completely gross him out that a guy was into him, he still wouldn't be interested in me." 

Then he sighed. "But you're going to think I'm a total freak for liking him, anyway."

"No," Ned said, "I think you're a total freak for dipping your fries in sweet and sour sauce at McDonald's. You liking a guy? That's not freaky."

"Liking this guy might be."

Ned was struck with a sudden suspicion. "Oh, God. It's Flash, isn't it? You want to get in Flash's pants." 

Which, okay, was kind of horrifying, considering what kind of jerk Flash was. But, to be totally fair, Ned had had crushes on some pretty obnoxious girls, too, even if he was always glad in hindsight that they'd been totally unrequited. Crushing on Flash wasn't the same thing as dating Flash, or pretending that Flash was a good person.

Peter made a face. "Of course it's not Flash. I mean, sure, if I was into terrible human beings, Flash would be number one on my list. But since I'm not, that's just gross." 

Ned laughed. "Okay, then. But it's a real person? Someone you know, I mean, not a movie star or some dude in a boyband."

He nodded. "Real person. Someone I know. Not somebody who's ever going to like me back, though."

"So he's straight?" Ned said. "Or has a serious girlfriend you can't see him ever breaking up with. Because otherwise--you're pretty awesome, Peter. Like, anybody who's into guys at all ought to--"

"Not that awesome," Peter said. "Not awesome enough for him. Because everything I am? He's that, too, maybe even better. He's smart, he's funny, he's brave, he's--"

"You're Spider-Man," Ned interrupted. "You are a _literal_ superhero who has _literally_ saved a lot of people's lives."

Peter gave him a tiny smile. "He's a literal superhero who has literally saved the world, though?"

Ned thought that people's jaws dropping was just something that happened in books, but nope. He could feel his mouth hanging open. 

"Oh my God," he said. "You know he's a wanted criminal, right? I mean, I know you liked him that one time you met him, even though you guys were on different sides, and he's really, you know, _built_ , but Captain America..." It did explain why Peter was so sure nothing was ever going to happen, though. 

"Not Captain Rogers. I mean, there's no denying he's hot, but no."

Ned mentally tried to run through superheroes Peter had talked about meeting. "Not the guy who talks to ants. Please, no. Ants creep me out ever since that time I opened the kitchen cupboard and, like, a sea of them poured out." 

Peter laughed. "The guy who talks to ants is named Scott, and for the two minutes I knew him, he seemed okay--you know, for someone who was fighting me--but no. Not him."

"Okay, I can start listing off every superhero I've ever heard of, or you can just tell me." 

"You seriously can't guess?"

"I seriously don't want to play twenty questions. Can you just tell me?"

"I guess. At least I know I haven't been as obvious as I've been afraid I was." The pillow went over Peter's face again, but he was still comprehensible when he mumbled, "It's Mr. Stark." 

And honestly, Ned should have known that. It was just... Ned was used to Peter's opinions on Iron Man. Before all of this spider-bite stuff, Ned was used to _totally ignoring_ Peter's opinions on Iron Man. Friendship was one thing, but there was only so long you could listen to your best friend explaining why his favorite superhero was the best thing ever before you started learning to shut your ears off and just nod at the right times. He was pretty sure that back then, Peter had been doing the exact same thing when Ned started talking about Pokémon. 

Recently, Ned had started listening again, because it was more interesting, more relevant, less full of "Iron Man is so cool" and more about the suits Mr. Stark had made for Peter, or the few times he'd called Peter in to help with some bad guys, or the times Peter got to work in Tony Stark's personal laboratory. But it had still felt the same, like the same hero worship fanboy stuff that Peter had been doing since grade school, just more based in reality.

He should have noticed something before, but it was just so _weird_. "He's really old," he said, finally, because he had to say something.

"Captain Rogers is like a hundred," Peter said, "and you thought I had a crush on him."

"He doesn't look a hundred, though. And Mr. Stark looks older than my dad."

"Mr. Stark _is_ older than my dad. Older than my dad would be, anyway, if he was alive." Peter sighed and flopped down onto his back on the bed. "I told you, it's not going to go anywhere, ever. I don't even know if he likes guys--I mean, I think maybe he does, at least a little, but not _me_ , so it doesn't matter. And even if he did, there are so many reasons why it's never going to happen. It's just a dumb crush. And that's probably for the best. I mean... can you imagine what May would think?" 

Ned winced. He could imagine what his parents would think if he got involved with a woman thirty years older than he was, and May wouldn't be any calmer about it. But that wasn't the only thing on Ned's mind. "Okay," he said. "Explain something to me."

"Yeah?"

"You're gay. But you have great taste in women, even if you're not actually into them. I mean, Liz was amazing. Is amazing, I don't mean she's dead just because she moved away. MJ is deeply weird, but also great. And yet, you have a crush on _Tony Stark_? Isn't he, kind of, a documented sleaze, in addition to being too old? My grandma reads gossip magazines, and there's always stuff on the cover about Mr. Stark being..." Ned searched for the right word. "A giant man-whore?"

"That's kind of a gross way to put it." 

"I'm pretty sure that it's kind of a gross thing to be, at least the way the tabloids say he does it." 

He totally deserved it when Peter smacked him with a pillow. Worth it, though, because that was something Peter needed to think about. 

"Tabloids exaggerate. Besides, he's also, like you said, a literal superhero. And super smart, and funny, and--I don't know! He looks good in a suit. And in jeans, in his workshop. And, okay, one time the fire sprinklers went off, and his clothes were all wet, and..." Peter flailed around, waving his hands in the air, and then said, "Just trust me, okay?"

Ned blinked at him for a couple of seconds, trying to say something that wasn't just, "Oh, crap, my life is going to be a series of attempts to stop you throwing yourself at terrible guys, isn't it?"

Not only did he not come up with something better, he screwed up and said that part out loud.

"And LEGO?" Peter said, like that made everything better.

"And LEGO," Ned confirmed. "And every time there's a new disaster guy you're crushing on, you're buying pizza."

"Why am I buying you pizza?" 

He shrugged. "I don't make the rules here, I just have to live by them."

"It's just the one disaster guy!" Peter argued. "And he's not a disaster, anyway."

"Too late," Ned said. "You admitted it. You call for the pizza, I'll set up the LEGO. I want sausage and mushroom."

Peter sighed, but reached for his phone, and Ned started opening up the new LEGO kit he'd gotten for his birthday.

At least this was a _normal_ weird thing to dump on your best friend. Not that Ned knew what to do about it, but it wasn't radioactive spiders and superpowers and the hottest girl in school's dad being a supervillain, so maybe there was an online advice column he could read for help.

And at least supporting Peter through his terrible life choices would come with a side of pizza.

****

**Author's Note:**

> So, this can be read as completely separate to anything I've ever written (in which case, sure, the Peter/Tony is genuinely one-sided and Mr. Stark would NEVER), or you can assume that Peter's very wrong about that and eventually will find out just how wrong. 
> 
> I mean, I know what *I* assume, but...


End file.
